I’ve always wondered… is it normal to place your will to live on upcoming events? I have been doing this since I was like thirteen. When things start to get a bit too much, and when I catch myself wanting to end it all, I always think ‘no, you gotta push through this. you need to be alive when [insert movie/tv show/events] happens in [insert year]. Not gonna lie, for a while that was Infinity War and Endgame for me.

Then after I’ve seen them, I’m like ‘now what?’. Sure, these past few years I’ve started to replace the Infinity War void with other pieces of media, but I’m scared. What if I run out of things to look forward to? Right now, I’m looking forward to my siblings and I going to the UAE and be with my parents. And after that happens, what’s next? If I’m unable to find something that will make me think that life is worth living, will I do it?

Maybe that’s why I’ve been reading up on Albert Camus’ works. As cliché as it sounds, I’m trying to find the meaning of life.

What is the meaning of life? Why the fuck do we live? Why do I want to live? Why was I born? Why do we have to live?

God, I think I’m having an existential crisis.