We all have different personal experiences that forever change our outlook on life. For me, it happened when I was seven years old when I first stepped on an airplane. That plane would carry me, together with my family, thousands of kilometers from the Philippines all the way to the Middle East. Growing up there, I experienced the harsh reality of the world we live in. I was deprived of my parents’ presence for the majority of the week as they always left home from work at an early hour, and returned late bone-deep tired. These first-hand experiences I had growing up abroad have shaped the way I look at life now. The suffering my parents had to go through in order to give my siblings and I a livable life has taught me the importance of hard work, and how one has to go through pain and sacrifice in order to survive in this world.

Young me seemed to get the gist of life: it isn’t fair, and that’s why you have to be the best in order to survive. This led me to believe that I had to be constantly at the top. In class, in sports, and so on. I realize now that having that mindset as a kid doesn’t do you much good in connecting with others. I wasn’t that sociable either, so I only had a limited number of friends. I became obsessed with the illusion of ‘competition’ and lived with the urge of constantly pressuring myself to be better. But that belief would crumble after I finished my basic education.

When I graduated senior high school during a pandemic, I felt very lost. For the past twelve years, I strived hard to get good grades. I thought that it was the only way for me to let my parents know that I had earned my keep. That I didn’t waste away the years of their lives working. Selfishly, it was also because I wanted my parents to be proud of me as they walked me down the school auditorium during my graduation.

However, the year that was supposed to be my last year of high school didn’t turn out so well, as a catastrophic pandemic hit the entire world.

All the academic goals I tried to achieve didn’t matter in the end. All the plans that I had laid out for myself after I graduated were scrapped, and tossed into the backburner of my mind. All the sacrifices I made, the invitations to go out with my friends that I turned down in order to focus on a project, the family vacation that I refused to go to because I wanted to study for my exams, they were all for naught. I realize now that I had missed a lot of opportunities to establish a bond and develop relationships with others. I isolated myself from my surroundings and the people around me so much in pursuit of a goal that in the end didn’t even matter. I longed and aimed for excellence since I started schooling, that I forgot to live.

This global health crisis put a stop to my life and it made me rethink and reprioritize what I wanted to do with it. By existing for over a decade like everyone was out to get me and that I had to be the best in order to protect myself, I realize now that this kind of living is…not what I want out of my time-bounded journey of existence. The anxiety-filled life seems rather exhausting now that I think about it. I have concluded that always aiming for the top isn’t what existence is all about after all. After careful thought and reflection, I have decided that my life aspiration is to be able to fall back in love with my life and to cherish the journey of my existence.

I have lived life through the lens of someone filled with intense competition, jealousy, and fear and it’s time I stopped that and restart the way I live my life.

This life aspiration may be boring and simple to others, and in fact some might even call it cliche, but it means everything to me and it encompasses the things that I sincerely want out of life. Because when I fall back in love with my life it means that I get to welcome new experiences with open arms instead of the usual trepidation I grew up with, I get to open myself up to the world and never shy away from being able to feel and express my emotions, and I get to fulfill my painful and longing need to be known and loved.

And of course, what is life without obstacles? It’s not always smooth sailing in the pursuit of achieving your life aspirations. I have decided to divide the hindrances that will affect my life aspiration into two: the abstract and the tangible. In terms of abstract, my main limitation would be my inherent fear. Will I be able to overcome my fear of stepping out of my comfort zone? I’ve closed myself off from the world for a while now, and unfortunately, in order to achieve said life aspiration, I realize I have to open myself up again and accept that there’s a chance that it’s going to hurt me in return. Will I be brave enough to continue doing so, or will I fearfully fold back into my usual aloofness?

In an effort to battle with my fear, this year I’ve started reaching out to my old friends who I haven’t talked to in over a decade now, even the ones who I’ve always childishly thought of as “academic rivals” and those who thought the same as me. I haven’t mustered up enough courage to apologize for my actions back then, but I guess it’s a start.

Another abstract thing is my loyalty to my family. In one of my aspirations I said that I wanted to welcome new experiences with open arms, and I feel that being tied down to one place will hinder this. One day, I will eventually live on my own, and away from my family, and I sincerely hope that they (my parents, most especially) don’t feel betrayed by this. My parents have always been protective of my siblings and I, but I am in my 20s now, so I’ve slowly started setting up boundaries with them. I’m not doing it outright though, because my mom and my dad have been parents for over half their lives and I think they’re still trying to discover their identities beyond parenthood, and I don’t believe it’s that easy to find it, but again progress is progress.

And in terms of the tangible, the main obstacle would have to be money. Of course, people say that money can’t buy you happiness. While it may be true, unfortunately we need money in order to survive in this capitalistic world. Furthermore, money can also bring you a lot of opportunities. For example, being a person from a third world country, means having to go through hoops of challenges to be able to travel. With money, I can do just that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be rich. In my perspective, the only way one can get rich in this world is when you take advantage of others, and I don’t want that. I just want to be financially stable and independent, that enables me to have options in life. So to battle this hurdle, I’ve started saving and taking up commissions in the meantime while I’m still in university, editing videos and making graphics for local companies in the community and the like.

I’ve always been a ‘live-in-the-moment’ kind of person. Given my escapist tendencies, it’s not surprising that I suppress my fear of the uncertain future by looking forward to movie and tv series releases. There was a time in my life where I would ask myself, “Why should I live this year?”, and so far every time I would reply “because I need to see what happens during the third Avengers movie…” or “because my favourite tv series is renewed for another season…”. These are all shallow reasons for waking up every morning and continuing with life though.

Looking back, I realize now that all of that was a facade, and that there was something that always brought me out during my moments of thinking dark thoughts of ending it all. It was my family. How would my mother feel when she realizes her youngest child with whom she cared for so much, the one whose questions she would patiently answer, decided to end it all. I don’t think I can forgive myself if I left this Earth while plaguing my mother with thoughts as to how she could have done better or making my dad doubt himself and make him question if his hard work and sacrifices just weren’t enough to save their kid. So I guess my existential rationalization, the thing that keeps me going even if life has brought me to my knees, would be my family.

The hard-lockdown in Cebu made me question the plans of my future, and what I really wanted out of my existence. It made me contemplate the meaning of my life. It was also at this time that I encountered Albert Camus and his works. I started reading his book, The Plague, in an effort to try and foresee how the next few months would turn out and what situation I will be facing in the future. After all, I’ve never lived in a global pandemic this life changing before, and neither have my parents nor my grandparents, and I wanted to have all the information I could get. After reading the book, I started researching and getting into Camus’ works, and I encountered a quote of his which I have decided to be my Life-Guiding Principle:

“Live to the point of tears”

I’ve been too used to always thinking logically, and usually never acted on my emotions. I operated almost like a robot, that I almost forgot that I’m human. I just want to let all of my restraints go, and allow myself to feel all my feelings, and allow others to see me at my most vulnerable state without a sense of shame or fear of humiliation. I want to be able to take risks in my life, and be fearless in accepting the consequences that follow.

It’s been two years since the pandemic started, and I didn’t really expect for it to go on for this long, nor did I expect that I’d start my college life online, but I’m glad I had the opportunity to be able to take this Ethics class because I learned a lot. I won’t say that this subject changed my life per se, however it did supplement my young mind and introduced me to new perspectives about this vast and ambiguous world we live in. In fact, since this class started out as a sort-of introduction to Philosophy, I have a much deeper appreciation for Philosophy now compared to when I took a generalized version of the subject back in senior high school. It changed the way I look at humanity to be honest, and it gave me hope that kindness is inherent in all of us human beings.

Encountering Kant’s works made me think even more before acting on my impulses. I don’t only think about the consequences of my actions anymore, but also the intentions of my actions. In fact, I don’t even limit this analysis to my own actions, but to others as well! When I watch a movie/tv series, or listen to a priest’s homily during Sundays, I end up in my thoughts thinking about how these hold up to Immanuel Kant’s Maxims. My siblings find it amusing whenever I voice these thoughts out, and I’m just glad I can share these thoughts with others outside of the classroom.

Taking this class also meant reflecting on my two decades of life in order to figure out which values I held dearly and strongly. Not so morbidly, I’ve also grown to appreciate death during the last weeks of our lecture, and how it made me realize that its certainty makes us appreciate our existence more.

All these examples aside however, what I’m truly grateful for taking this subject is how it made me confront this growing feeling of indifference and listlessness that I’ve had for a while now. I’ve finally been able to write and put into words the thoughts that have been stewing in my head. The chapter where I feel like a lost traveler in this vast existence that is my life is over, and I’m truly thankful for this class for offering me a sort of closure.

The nagging feeling of fear is still there in the back of my mind, but instead of trepidation of what’s to come in my future, I feel nervous excitement. I think it’s time I start my journey in achieving my life aspirations, and creating my life’s meaning.

It’s time I start truly living my life.